I'm not an actor

Accidentally had a little 'spa night' tonight :D

My boss and direct supervisor are both out of town all week so I must admit it makes my work day a lot less stressful. So going on the fact that I'm less stressed out at the end of the day I decided to do something I'd been thinking about for a bit and color my hair. It's a red violet shade and it's kinda 'meh' right now but in my experience that's how box dyes work. Especially darker colors. Right now it just looks DARK but after a few washes it should brighten up and I think I'll like it a lot. Plus I'm hoping for another day of motivation to put in a few highlights. Then in should make for a good spring look. Also while waiting for the color to set I used my new favorite Lush face mask (Date Night! I strongly endorse it!! When I used it the first time I washed it off and was like "holy crap! I can visibly see my skin looks prettier!") And then I have a couple little pimples that popped up and I'd bought the patches you see all over now just to see what I think so trying those tonight too. Like I said: Spontaneous Spa Night :P

Other excitement? Last week I finally made moves toward what I've been thinking since moving into this crappy disappointing apartment last August which is to BUY A CONDO next time! I contacted a realtor two of my coworkers used and highly recommended. (Good recommendation! She's great.) She immediately got me in touch with her favorite loan guy so now she's looking for places for me and I'm pre-approved for a loan. I looked at my first two places on Sunday and....I pretty much loved the first one! My realtor is so cute because she was like "you'll learn about me...I don't like to look too much into a place you want to see first. I like to walk in with you and give my gut reaction so I'll just start talking the minute you walk in" I get it and can see where that's helpful having experienced it now and she was as excited as I was about the first place. It was also cute that she kept saying "I'm so impressed! You did REALLY WELL for your first showing!" Now there ARE some issues. Not so much with the place, more with the seller. She found that out later and let me know. (The seller has apparently rejected every offer so far including the ones who didn't try to haggle and just straight up offered list price. Seller apparently wants people to offer more and fight over it. Insert eye roll.) She was also right there with me one the second place when it was kinda disappointing and was like "yeah, it's the same price point as the first one and just not as good"

But I thought about it a lot and I just don't think it's a good idea to break my lease early. I'd probably have to pay a fair chunk to do that and I'm also worried about my current complex having this promotion when I moved in of after one month lease they gave you a gift card equivalent to one month's lease. BUT...I read rules on it stating some or all could have to be paid back if you didn't satisfy the lease. I held off using it at first because of that (and because I hated this apartment so much. I saw that as a real possibility.) But there were time limits too and the longer I stayed the more I wanted to take advantage of it because if I stay they fucking OWE me that much. I've used all but $150 at this point because it will all expire at the end of this month. I don't want to pay to break a lease AND pay them back the $900 I used from this promotion. I just hope I don't regret passing up this place. Of course sounds there's also a chance I wouldn't get it. I mean I'd be OK with offering list price but not $1 more. Don't be stupid, seller. I saw they bought the place 2.5 years ago. Sounds to me like they bought it still in the runoff of Covid times when people were just throwing cash and fighting over places and are upset that's not still happening. They're going to have to learn it's not. But I have 5 months still to look. So hoping if I say no to this one I'll still find something just as good or better at a more convenient time.

I'm still giving it one more day before I officially tell my realtor this decision though. It was a great condo....

So, trying to be better about journaling lately. And what do I have to talk about other than this developing relationship? I kinda went into this weekend unsure. (But to be fair, that is me. I second guess a lot.) I was questioning how much I like it vs. how much I like just HAVING a boyfriend. I don't get that a lot. I struggle. And like a normal person, of COURSE I like attention. I was going in like "do we really fit that much...?"

I think it helps sometimes to be around other people too and we had a lot of that this weekend. I'm learning he has a few friends that are girls and they've known each other a long time so I think they are VERY protective. (I get that.) We hung out with one of those friends for quite awhile on Saturday and I'm thinking she actually likes me a lot! That's a good sign with those sorts of friendships. I like her a lot too, by the way. And we also ended up talking a bit about another friend who (the one we were with put it out there, not me! Even though I agree 100%...) I think harbors some feelings for him. Probably sees me as more of a threat, though I think is learning to be OK with me as well. And honestly that was a good conversation because I realized as we were talking I was feeling protective in my own way. I'm like "I'm not just in this to fuck with the dude!" And it made me feel really good when that friend and I were just talking one on one and she's like "It's so great to see him this happy again." So yes....that' me :) I'm making someone happy and they're making me happy too.

Anyway, glad it all ended up with me being like "Stop trying to sabotage yourself! This is a good thing and it's going well!" Because really that's probably it. I think I pointed this out before on here but I mostly go for distant guys, often assholes. So it's like I've convinced myself that's what I deserve. The few times I try to date a NICE GUY who actually seems to like me they tend to 'worship' me too much and be too quite and boring. I can't remember the last time (if ever!) I dated a "nice guy" who made it clear he liked me who was ALSO fun to be with. It's really weird. It's a good thing. Keep this up.

So confession time:

Back when I started Live Journal (how this journal of course came to exist at all) I was REALLY stuck in an eating disorder. It's something that's been with me since I was 11 or so. I didn't get ANY sort of help for it for 20 years so....even though it's better now (and much better than the worst points I got to) it's still with me. I kinda blame that on waiting so long to even attempt to talk about it with anyone. Everything I read says the prognosis for these things is better the earlier the intervention. It makes me feel now (mid-40s) like I just need to accept I'm stuck with it in some form or another for life.

Lately it's been getting rougher to deal with. I went to treatment (Not my first time. Hopefully my last) in 2023. I had a good run for about a year and a half after getting out. But in the past couple months I had a few times of dropping weight a little lower than where I was maintaining and then maintaining at 'the new normal' until dropping again. It's SO FUCKING HARD in the moment to not just lean into that. But there's also things I don't want to lose by delving back into the disorder like I have in the past. Currently that's my aerial classes. I made the decision to move to a higher level class this session and my first one is tomorrow! It concerns me because I don't think I'll be as strong or as able to do things I have been. Like the ED loves it in the moment when I see how close my fingers are to wrapping around my upper arm again. But the logical brain that wants to be amazing at aerial yells at me "That means you're losing muscle! That means you can't do as many cool tricks anymore!"

I don't know. Maybe I'll have more insight after tomorrow's class. (Doesn't help I feel like the world has collectively been sick this week - myself included - but I mean like my mom in MI, the guy I had a work Zoom call with near Chicago today - what the hell world?? :D ) Not going to help much for a good class but whatever! We'll see....

Damn.

So.

Missouri had a big snow storm. I mean not BIG big....at one point they were predicting like 12+" of snow (I was hopeful. I love snow. Don't judge me! :D ) We got more like 4-5" I'd guess and a lot of crappy ice and freezing rain in between. Most of this happened late Saturday-early Sunday and it is STILL fucking treacherous to drive and nothing is plowed as far as parking so even though I'm like a 4 minute drive from work I doubt I'm going in tomorrow.

Back to the 'damn' part.

So Saturday night seeing the forecast I told the guy "let's stayed in and maybe get snowed in!" I brought stuff over to cook dinner. Pico met his dog and they got along as best can be expected (Pico is VERY jealous of me! But as long as his dog didn't try to get my attention while Pico was on my lap they were OK together.) Sunday night he was going to drive me home (He has a better vehicle for handling the weather and didn't trust mine to get me home. He said he'd come get me later when roads were clear and I could get my car) We didn't even make it 2 miles before we were both like "This is still really bad" and did not trust him getting me all the way to my place and then driving home. Luckily I had thought to bring my work laptop just in case so we turned back and I was able to 'work from home' from his place today. Today I was FINALLY able to get home....though they've still plowed and cleared for shit around here so I'm thinking the parking spot I managed to smush into is not going to let me out tomorrow either. Probably at least one more work from home day.

But I keep getting sidetracked. Back to the 'damn' part again....

So I spent two nights there. Sleeping in the same bed, just hanging out inside trying to stay warm. ......I'm not there yet but I could kinda sorta maybe see myself falling in love with this person. That's the first time I've said (written) it out loud. Freeeeeeaky...... We'll see, huh?

 Friday night vikkilynn "invited herself over" for a sleepover. (Like I was going to say no, ha ha!) I feel like the past couple months a ton of my effort has had to go to work and then some to the band (we're playing a New Year's Eve show! So exciting!!) and whatever I have leftover is going to trying to seriously date someone for the first time in over 3 years. So it was was nice to finally get some dedicated Girl Friend Time in. I ambushed her into guesting on my podcast again and we got some amazing Indian food (If anyone is in the St Louis area I strongly recommend House of India. But be warned, while they have a 'Very Hot' and 'Extra Hot' option for levels of spiciness, be prepared if you're going to order 'Hot.' It's still pretty damn spicy! :D ) We got to talk about family and futures and also, as usual, a lot of LJ memories. Her and I met there in 2001!!! It's crazy to think I've now officially known her over half my life and almost half of hers! (Sorry Vikki! I'm not tying to out your age. For the record: We're both old :P ) But even more than that, I feel like we've been GOOD friends for all that time. Like yes, I'm also still friends with my best friend from high school but we barely keep in touch at this time and it's really like she's more of an 'acquaintance' at this point, someone I'd be happy to hear from periodically but not someone I'd think to call up if I were in crisis or anything. It's pretty cool to have a close friend you can get together with who's seen you through your "Stupid 20's" and more.

After that I went out with the band guy again. First we went out to shoot pool (neither of us claim to be any good...in fact that's usually my selling point in playing pool with people. I tell them "I'm really bad but I still love to play!") We'd done this once before and he won every game which I always take as a good sign. I don't want no charity! This time I won one game because when he was aiming for the 8-ball he sank the cue ball instead. I still had like 4 balls on the table and we were just playing for fun anyway so we were like "well let's just finish out the game." So we kept going....and he sank the cue ball AGAIN. Then I slowly got the rest of mine in and we're both aiming for the 8-ball and he gets it in....and the cue ball follows. So we said I technically won 3 times in one game :D The nice part looking back was that the place we were at served drinks but we didn't know what we wanted when we first walked in so we just started playing and actually didn't end up ordering any drinks the whole time. I think (both of us, but him in particular) still feel a little nerves when we first go out so it's nice to know that we were capable of being comfortable and having fun without the 'social lubricant.'

After that we did go somewhere else to have a drink and some appetizers and the conversation got interesting. Somehow we ended up talking about mental health. I think it was from talking about being on meds. I knew from a past conversation he'd mentioned having been on some psychiatric meds before but also that he's had some trouble with sleep and anxiety and at this point it feels like almost everyone in the world has been on some sort of psychiatric med at some point so that alone still doesn't say a lot about a person. Oo...and I kinda feel like I'm about to betray some trust by telling this part of his story but really, who's going to read this? Maybe three people? So, uh, hey you three people, don't advertise this :) Anyway, he disclosed to me that in his 20s he had a girlfriend who ended up dying from cancer and that it really "fucked him up" for awhile and that's where most of his experience in the mental health world came from. I mean he was saying things about how terrible he feels our health care system is set up (in general really, but especially to deal with mental health issues) and also how unfair it is that there is still so much stigma and shame associated to mental health. You know, a thing that probably 99% of the population can admit to struggling with! 

So I took a chance and said "I'm not going to tell you the name of it because I don't want you to listen, but I actually co-host a mental health podcast for the past couple years, so yes, I get it, I've been there, and it's just nice to hear you reiterate so many of the conversations and frustrations we've talked about!" (And I did say I keep a really tight lid on letting people I know in real life listen because I want to continue to be able to be vulnerable and open on the podcast. Maybe some day I'll let him listen....but it'd still be embarrassing knowing he could listen to the episodes where I talk about him!!) Anyway, I also shared a lot about the time in college when I first started getting panic attacks. Basically when I had a panic attack for 3 weeks straight and because when you don't know what they are yet you just think you're somehow dying and my brain at the time told me the way to Not Die was to keep moving so I just paced. For 3 weeks. Also talked about how, even any medical professional I talk to, thinks my current panic attacks are pretty unusual because I just wake up in the middle of them. Seems like most people eventually learn something they can pinpoint that sets it off and I'm always like "....sleeping? I can't avoid that!" So I told him at this point I can go two years or more without one but I can't say it'll never happen again and I certainly can't predict it. I figured that's good to get out in the open since I remember telling this to a guy I was dating back in Chicago several years ago and he took that fine....but then I had one at night when I was with that guy. And I feel like that kinda changed how he saw me. 

I did NOT talk about any of the eating disorder stuff or the times of feeling suicidal depression but at least having this conversation made it feel like the door is a little more open if and when I'm ready to let him in on that too.

I want to get back into writing regularly but for some reason I just don't so this time I'm forcing it. At least SOMETHING. Maybe I don't because it feels too overwhelming when I think about it. Like "Now I'm writing so I need to catch up on the months (maybe years!) that I've been silent!"

For now I have a lot of things going well in my life. I love my aerial classes. I was starting to feel discouraged with aerial silks. I think it was just an unfortunate turn of events. I ended up in a class where I met all the pre-reqs and everything but it still felt like everyone else in the class was far ahead of me and getting moves and things so much faster so it was frustrating to me, the feeling of "I SHOULD be able to do this but I CAN'T." Yet I knew how fulfilling the aerial studio was in general so I made the decision....let's just try something else. There was an Intro to Horizontal class I took (covers trapeze, slings, and hoop/lyra) I really took to the hoop and so I'm continuing with that. If I really get ambitious maybe I'll try to upload some recent videos. It feels like I'm progressing at a speed that I'm happy with and feels more like the mix of tricks and realizing my body can maybe do cool things and also dance and interpretation which I'm loving.

I'm happy with where my podcast is going. We've had some really strong episodes lately that have actually been fun for me to listen back to (even though I have to listen to my own voice...which I kinda hate!)

It's hard to tell with work. I've never been sure what my boss thinks of me. He's basically my age, like 8 or 9 months younger than me I believe and he can be (I started to write 'harsh' but I'm not sure that's it) but definitely INTENSE. I feel like I came into the job thinking I was going to win him over and OF COURSE he'd like me eventually but I feel like that never happened. So sometimes I'm frustrated by that. But also I just went through a big test at work where I had to take over for our Director of Operations while she was on maternity leave (while still keeping up with my work!) and I think he saw that I did a decent job with that so....I mostly feel good about work.

My band has been great! Our first show was one of the best experiences of my life and our second one is at a cool music bar on NEW YEARS EVE! So that's a big deal. Also....there's something else related to all that I'll have to get into later (damn...I don't remember how to link friend's names like in ye olde LJ days, but vikkilynn knows what I'm talking about...) But honestly I think between talking about the show and performing and other developments that may require it's own entry. I guess this means I need to update again soon.

But anyway all that to say.........and yet I still feel kinda empty in some ways. I don't know, maybe it's just getting older, maybe it's overthinking, maybe it's nostalgia and thinking of where I thought I'd be at this point. It just feels like there should be something more. I'm just not sure what that all is yet.

This doesn't actually feel like the perfect ending to a long time coming post but my point was to actually force myself to write and say something. So here it is, imperfection and all.

Well first of all the band thing didn't work out. Honestly? It's fine. It's funny, they messaged me saying it wasn't going to work for now a couple days after I was literally driving to practice thinking "I should maybe step down for now." So it really wasn't like super disappointing or anything. (And they were super nice about it. They were like "we think you're really talented" ha ha, STANDARD LETDOWN, "and the worst part is we all really like you and hope we can still hang out and stay friends" Who knows? But the main guy did just recently randomly hit me up on FB) But I was pushing it to my absolute max with them and I just had a string of bad luck where I was recognizing that if ONE thing went wrong in a week then I was garbage as far as practice and being prepared. For our practices I had: 1) a practice right after finding out a friend passed. 2) a practice right after my car had been vandalized and both front windows broken while parked in the damn GATED LOT I pay for! 3) a practice right in the middle of dealing with all that car bullshit. Repairs, rentals, etc.... And on top of all that? I LIKED the music they were playing but I didn't LOVE it. I think if it'd been the latter I would have made time for more. It all made sense. I'm OK with it.

But I still want a band :D

Second? I don't know. I'm still so all about the aerial silks stuff. I realized at my last class that I am totally ready to advance to the next level next session (For those not in the aerial world...it's really common to repeat classes. You get more solid on the moves and a lot of it is just things your body has never done before. It totally makes sense that you haven't gotten it in 6 or 8 weeks or however long a series is.) But in the past two classes I've realized.....I'm disappointed I'm not learning and trying more. And maybe a little bored?? Plus in the last class my instructor (knowing I'd been in her last session class) was like "Lauren! Be my demo!" and talked me through a trick to show the class while I demonstrated. And I think the look on their faces after solidified it. The first timers were IN AWE. (And these were simple things. Obviously my instructor can turn and fly circles around me!) One of them even said "That was really good!" I don't have a ton of confidence and definitely don't think too highly of myself and am humble in most things, but this is an INTRO class. The next is just called BEGINNER. I can handle that. I'm halfway through my second go at Intro and I'm so excited to advance next time. I've tried this a couple times because it's interested me for a long time. And other studios left me feeling kinda blah. This feels like MY PLACE and I am officially obsessed! I can't wait to move on. 4 more weeks and then I get to start the next level! (I'm also kinda obsessively watching instruction videos. At least the next couple weeks I plan to do some open gym times and can't wait to practice!)

So speaking of the band shit......I think I haven't talked about the car shit! I came outside to go to work about two weeks ago and find something has hit my drive side front window (It looks like a bullet. I mean I can't think anything else. Except it didn't actually penetrate the window which I learned looking shit up means probably only a SMALL bullet, like maybe a BB gun, but it was a very centralized impact and cracks radiating from there.) So I accept and am pissed at that. But once I accept it and get into my car I look and see....THE SAME THING ON MY PASSENGER SIDE! Like what the fuck!? It would FOR SURE be a bullet if it'd gone through both windows but instead it means someone hit me from both sides?? I don't even get it. But it's just another travesty of living here and I'm more than ready to move!

So final thing (for now I guess) I found a couple decent places to move to. And then I really scoured my lease and found out I am indeed stuck in my lease until July (when I signed the new one with my roommate.) I'm hoping to be able to get out early. It's not safe in this neighborhood AND there's been a lot of problems where we can't get into the building because the only way to unlock the main door is through an app on our phones. Like I get they could argue 'you chose to live here' if I just say the neighborhood is not safe but if the internet goes down I can't get into my home. I think that counts as 'reasonable safety' my landlord should provide. Also there were fucking MUSHROOMS growing in my bathroom a couple months ago. Yes they fixed the leaking problem that was causing that. ....but tell me there's not now mold in the walls. Tear them down and find out or let me out of my damn lease with no penalty. I'm hoping I have a good case there. I looked it up and found out Missouri kinda sucks for tenant rights vs. landlord rights. (Somehow now surprised with a red state)

I could say more about the past few weeks but I don't post enough. Bullet points.

I managed to rip a hole in my favorite bodysuit tonight.

Should I order $50 worth of bodysuits on Temu?!?!? :D

Ugh. WHY do I have to be a nice person?!? I mean hell, some people don't think so. But...

I let a friend move in with me this July because she was kinda desperate. Not just that. She'd had to move in with me before. (Also in a desperate situation but it made way more sense why it all went on much longer than expected. She thought she just needed a few weeks to get back on her feet and she could get her own place. Too bad she moved in late February 2020! Because then the world shut down! And she ended up needing to stay for 4 months.)

Anyway, there were ISSUES that time (she's kinda messy and sloppy, she feels she needs to fall asleep to TV and I have misophonia so noises can get to me) but it was also a one-bedroom apartment and so her 'bedroom' essentially was my living room couch. I thought it'd work out better this time because it's a two-bedroom apartment. First of all the TV noise is still kind of a thing but that's more the apartment build I believe. (My current place looks super cool....but I get that there are some oddities. Like there's only one massive window in the living room that faces outside. So they got around that by putting INDOOR windows in the bedrooms so they'll get some light even though they don't actually face outside. I think the noise just travels more in the place because of those windows. But I discovered a nice Brown Noise app on my phone so the TV noise isn't really a problem.)

The messiest IS a problem however and it has to have gotten SO much worse because I feel like I could handle it better in close quarters than I can now. It's both apartment upkeep mess and personal hygiene mess. The second is much harder for me to take. So back to WHY am I a nice person?? This place is proving to be unsafe and just this week I got clued in there very well could be mold in the walls. So I'm pretty sure I need to move. BUT....I don't know if I look for a place where the roommate can come too or if I find a place on my own.

It's tough because once again I know she can't live on her own. It's better than last time....last time I asked for $20/week from her simply to help with added utilities....and toward the end she couldn't even keep up with that!! This time she can definitely pay some rent, just not enough to get her own place. So she pays a bit under 1/3 of the total rent and utilities expense. She really doesn't have any furniture or anything other than what would go in a bedroom so living space is essentially mine. Plus I get the only paid parking space and I said I needed all the storage space so she doesn't get to use that. So I think the money situation is fair. But the LIVING living situation is rough.

This past week she cleaned the toilet and took the trash out before it got TOO gross (Since she moved in I've been taking it out twice and then leaving it for her the third time because I think that's a pretty simple ask for someone both living with me AND probably making 80% of the trash!) But sometimes when I do that she's let it go for SEVERAL days where you can't even close the lid all the way and it smells disgusting and I'm just like "I AM NOT YOUR MOM! TAKE THE DAMN TRASH OUT!" Anyway, so that's a couple things she's done this week which is making it start to feel a little more symbiotic as far as keeping the place livable. But her personal hygiene is TERRIBLE. And OK great, so she can take trash out so my place doesn't smell....but what happens when SHE smells?!??

Look, sorry to talk about someone behind their back like this but....I think she worse the same sock every day for well over a week :P At least 5 days in a row, but likely double. We get along in terms of talking an shit but how am I supposed to sit down at night on the same damn couch and visit and whatever else if she's been wearing the same socks for 9 days?!??? I can hardly breathe at that point.


I don't know. I'm looking at both one and two bedroom apartments and I'm not moving IMMEDIATELY. I'm just looking. But if I decide it's back to living on my own I'm going to have to figure out how to tell her. I hate this.

Oh boy. Driving 5 hours plus Halloween/birthday party for a friend plus driving 5 hours back plus immediately going to aerial class has my body feeling like Jello! I don't think I did as well at class today but all things considered I'll let it pass. Hoping to get some independent conditioning in this week so I can kick ass next Sunday. And happy to sleep my perfect baby Pico again after two nights away!