I'm not an actor

 Friday night vikkilynn "invited herself over" for a sleepover. (Like I was going to say no, ha ha!) I feel like the past couple months a ton of my effort has had to go to work and then some to the band (we're playing a New Year's Eve show! So exciting!!) and whatever I have leftover is going to trying to seriously date someone for the first time in over 3 years. So it was was nice to finally get some dedicated Girl Friend Time in. I ambushed her into guesting on my podcast again and we got some amazing Indian food (If anyone is in the St Louis area I strongly recommend House of India. But be warned, while they have a 'Very Hot' and 'Extra Hot' option for levels of spiciness, be prepared if you're going to order 'Hot.' It's still pretty damn spicy! :D ) We got to talk about family and futures and also, as usual, a lot of LJ memories. Her and I met there in 2001!!! It's crazy to think I've now officially known her over half my life and almost half of hers! (Sorry Vikki! I'm not tying to out your age. For the record: We're both old :P ) But even more than that, I feel like we've been GOOD friends for all that time. Like yes, I'm also still friends with my best friend from high school but we barely keep in touch at this time and it's really like she's more of an 'acquaintance' at this point, someone I'd be happy to hear from periodically but not someone I'd think to call up if I were in crisis or anything. It's pretty cool to have a close friend you can get together with who's seen you through your "Stupid 20's" and more.

After that I went out with the band guy again. First we went out to shoot pool (neither of us claim to be any good...in fact that's usually my selling point in playing pool with people. I tell them "I'm really bad but I still love to play!") We'd done this once before and he won every game which I always take as a good sign. I don't want no charity! This time I won one game because when he was aiming for the 8-ball he sank the cue ball instead. I still had like 4 balls on the table and we were just playing for fun anyway so we were like "well let's just finish out the game." So we kept going....and he sank the cue ball AGAIN. Then I slowly got the rest of mine in and we're both aiming for the 8-ball and he gets it in....and the cue ball follows. So we said I technically won 3 times in one game :D The nice part looking back was that the place we were at served drinks but we didn't know what we wanted when we first walked in so we just started playing and actually didn't end up ordering any drinks the whole time. I think (both of us, but him in particular) still feel a little nerves when we first go out so it's nice to know that we were capable of being comfortable and having fun without the 'social lubricant.'

After that we did go somewhere else to have a drink and some appetizers and the conversation got interesting. Somehow we ended up talking about mental health. I think it was from talking about being on meds. I knew from a past conversation he'd mentioned having been on some psychiatric meds before but also that he's had some trouble with sleep and anxiety and at this point it feels like almost everyone in the world has been on some sort of psychiatric med at some point so that alone still doesn't say a lot about a person. Oo...and I kinda feel like I'm about to betray some trust by telling this part of his story but really, who's going to read this? Maybe three people? So, uh, hey you three people, don't advertise this :) Anyway, he disclosed to me that in his 20s he had a girlfriend who ended up dying from cancer and that it really "fucked him up" for awhile and that's where most of his experience in the mental health world came from. I mean he was saying things about how terrible he feels our health care system is set up (in general really, but especially to deal with mental health issues) and also how unfair it is that there is still so much stigma and shame associated to mental health. You know, a thing that probably 99% of the population can admit to struggling with! 

So I took a chance and said "I'm not going to tell you the name of it because I don't want you to listen, but I actually co-host a mental health podcast for the past couple years, so yes, I get it, I've been there, and it's just nice to hear you reiterate so many of the conversations and frustrations we've talked about!" (And I did say I keep a really tight lid on letting people I know in real life listen because I want to continue to be able to be vulnerable and open on the podcast. Maybe some day I'll let him listen....but it'd still be embarrassing knowing he could listen to the episodes where I talk about him!!) Anyway, I also shared a lot about the time in college when I first started getting panic attacks. Basically when I had a panic attack for 3 weeks straight and because when you don't know what they are yet you just think you're somehow dying and my brain at the time told me the way to Not Die was to keep moving so I just paced. For 3 weeks. Also talked about how, even any medical professional I talk to, thinks my current panic attacks are pretty unusual because I just wake up in the middle of them. Seems like most people eventually learn something they can pinpoint that sets it off and I'm always like "....sleeping? I can't avoid that!" So I told him at this point I can go two years or more without one but I can't say it'll never happen again and I certainly can't predict it. I figured that's good to get out in the open since I remember telling this to a guy I was dating back in Chicago several years ago and he took that fine....but then I had one at night when I was with that guy. And I feel like that kinda changed how he saw me. 

I did NOT talk about any of the eating disorder stuff or the times of feeling suicidal depression but at least having this conversation made it feel like the door is a little more open if and when I'm ready to let him in on that too.