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Jan. 15th, 2025 07:53 pmSo confession time:
Back when I started Live Journal (how this journal of course came to exist at all) I was REALLY stuck in an eating disorder. It's something that's been with me since I was 11 or so. I didn't get ANY sort of help for it for 20 years so....even though it's better now (and much better than the worst points I got to) it's still with me. I kinda blame that on waiting so long to even attempt to talk about it with anyone. Everything I read says the prognosis for these things is better the earlier the intervention. It makes me feel now (mid-40s) like I just need to accept I'm stuck with it in some form or another for life.
Lately it's been getting rougher to deal with. I went to treatment (Not my first time. Hopefully my last) in 2023. I had a good run for about a year and a half after getting out. But in the past couple months I had a few times of dropping weight a little lower than where I was maintaining and then maintaining at 'the new normal' until dropping again. It's SO FUCKING HARD in the moment to not just lean into that. But there's also things I don't want to lose by delving back into the disorder like I have in the past. Currently that's my aerial classes. I made the decision to move to a higher level class this session and my first one is tomorrow! It concerns me because I don't think I'll be as strong or as able to do things I have been. Like the ED loves it in the moment when I see how close my fingers are to wrapping around my upper arm again. But the logical brain that wants to be amazing at aerial yells at me "That means you're losing muscle! That means you can't do as many cool tricks anymore!"
I don't know. Maybe I'll have more insight after tomorrow's class. (Doesn't help I feel like the world has collectively been sick this week - myself included - but I mean like my mom in MI, the guy I had a work Zoom call with near Chicago today - what the hell world?? :D ) Not going to help much for a good class but whatever! We'll see....
Back when I started Live Journal (how this journal of course came to exist at all) I was REALLY stuck in an eating disorder. It's something that's been with me since I was 11 or so. I didn't get ANY sort of help for it for 20 years so....even though it's better now (and much better than the worst points I got to) it's still with me. I kinda blame that on waiting so long to even attempt to talk about it with anyone. Everything I read says the prognosis for these things is better the earlier the intervention. It makes me feel now (mid-40s) like I just need to accept I'm stuck with it in some form or another for life.
Lately it's been getting rougher to deal with. I went to treatment (Not my first time. Hopefully my last) in 2023. I had a good run for about a year and a half after getting out. But in the past couple months I had a few times of dropping weight a little lower than where I was maintaining and then maintaining at 'the new normal' until dropping again. It's SO FUCKING HARD in the moment to not just lean into that. But there's also things I don't want to lose by delving back into the disorder like I have in the past. Currently that's my aerial classes. I made the decision to move to a higher level class this session and my first one is tomorrow! It concerns me because I don't think I'll be as strong or as able to do things I have been. Like the ED loves it in the moment when I see how close my fingers are to wrapping around my upper arm again. But the logical brain that wants to be amazing at aerial yells at me "That means you're losing muscle! That means you can't do as many cool tricks anymore!"
I don't know. Maybe I'll have more insight after tomorrow's class. (Doesn't help I feel like the world has collectively been sick this week - myself included - but I mean like my mom in MI, the guy I had a work Zoom call with near Chicago today - what the hell world?? :D ) Not going to help much for a good class but whatever! We'll see....
