No, I did not disappear...
Apr. 24th, 2003 02:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
laurenafI think I'll have to give the short version of this.
1) Sunday (before last) Sick of being treated like expendable 'as-you-want-it' piece of crap by S. Leave note that I'm leaving, do not say why or where. Pack for a few days and go to work.
2) Monday. Drive to mom's apartment after work. Voice mail from S. Can't bring myself to answer/talk yet, email him where I am at least.
3) Tuesday. Pour out heart and soul on paper. Organize thoughts, feel that I'm thinking rationally for once as I would NOT have been had I tried to discuss this when first angry. Write it out, plan to leave it at apartment before work when S. is not home. Comes home while I'm there, sees me, refuses to talk to me.
4) Wednesday. The plan - go over and talk things out before I go to work. Occupy myself during day. Oil change, new CD's, watched Bowling for Columbine (in the theatre ALL BY MYSELF! Coolness...especially thankful for this when panic attack starts upon thinking about what's coming up :P) Call S. Home and willing to talk. Drive over. He's pissed. Wrote me a response. Completely missed any point I'd made, just pissed (he should have waited as I did to respond!) Decides (1) that one of us needs to move out, and (2) possibly breaks up with me (later I realize I'm not positive on that one.) Lots of screaming and crying, an earful for the neighbors! From me, because I can't believe he's doing this to me again, can't believe that he may be disappointed in what he sees as MY lack of change, yet he's the one that's still so stubborn he refuses to accept that sometimes I screw up and give me another chance (and a little pissed that my "fair and rational" note was met as anything but by him) From him, (yes, I made him cry) because as he puts it, he "knows I don't take things well" and is afraid of how his decision will hit me. Go to get dressed for work. Can't. Call in. He refuses to stay there with me. Smart move, I'm sure, since I'm SO stable at that moment! :P He leaves. Call Kim, crying incoherently. Talk to her until worn out. Sleep on couch.
5) Thursday. He stops by in a.m. before work. Yes, I'm still alive. Wake up. See him. He leaves for work. Go back to sleep because sleeping is easier than living. Wake up around noon. Can't do anything. Can't think. Can't even keep down water. Breaking down... Decide for some reason that the only person I want to be talking to then is his mom. Call. No one home. Call obsessively for hours. Finally dad answers, mom will call me back when home. He's home from work, tell him where I'm going, back to sleep until she calls back. He doesn't understand it, hell, *I* didn't understand it, just something I had to do. Talk to her. Get some insight but unfortunately she doesn't have the answer to everything. She is the one to first make me realize he said one of us had to move out, but never actually said we needed to split up permanently. Points out we still need to talk. I agree, and leave, not sure if I feel better or not, but determined to talk with him again.
(cont. later, too tired now)
1) Sunday (before last) Sick of being treated like expendable 'as-you-want-it' piece of crap by S. Leave note that I'm leaving, do not say why or where. Pack for a few days and go to work.
2) Monday. Drive to mom's apartment after work. Voice mail from S. Can't bring myself to answer/talk yet, email him where I am at least.
3) Tuesday. Pour out heart and soul on paper. Organize thoughts, feel that I'm thinking rationally for once as I would NOT have been had I tried to discuss this when first angry. Write it out, plan to leave it at apartment before work when S. is not home. Comes home while I'm there, sees me, refuses to talk to me.
4) Wednesday. The plan - go over and talk things out before I go to work. Occupy myself during day. Oil change, new CD's, watched Bowling for Columbine (in the theatre ALL BY MYSELF! Coolness...especially thankful for this when panic attack starts upon thinking about what's coming up :P) Call S. Home and willing to talk. Drive over. He's pissed. Wrote me a response. Completely missed any point I'd made, just pissed (he should have waited as I did to respond!) Decides (1) that one of us needs to move out, and (2) possibly breaks up with me (later I realize I'm not positive on that one.) Lots of screaming and crying, an earful for the neighbors! From me, because I can't believe he's doing this to me again, can't believe that he may be disappointed in what he sees as MY lack of change, yet he's the one that's still so stubborn he refuses to accept that sometimes I screw up and give me another chance (and a little pissed that my "fair and rational" note was met as anything but by him) From him, (yes, I made him cry) because as he puts it, he "knows I don't take things well" and is afraid of how his decision will hit me. Go to get dressed for work. Can't. Call in. He refuses to stay there with me. Smart move, I'm sure, since I'm SO stable at that moment! :P He leaves. Call Kim, crying incoherently. Talk to her until worn out. Sleep on couch.
5) Thursday. He stops by in a.m. before work. Yes, I'm still alive. Wake up. See him. He leaves for work. Go back to sleep because sleeping is easier than living. Wake up around noon. Can't do anything. Can't think. Can't even keep down water. Breaking down... Decide for some reason that the only person I want to be talking to then is his mom. Call. No one home. Call obsessively for hours. Finally dad answers, mom will call me back when home. He's home from work, tell him where I'm going, back to sleep until she calls back. He doesn't understand it, hell, *I* didn't understand it, just something I had to do. Talk to her. Get some insight but unfortunately she doesn't have the answer to everything. She is the one to first make me realize he said one of us had to move out, but never actually said we needed to split up permanently. Points out we still need to talk. I agree, and leave, not sure if I feel better or not, but determined to talk with him again.
(cont. later, too tired now)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-04-24 11:55 am (UTC)Hang in there!
no subject
Date: 2003-04-24 11:57 am (UTC)holy shitballs, you've been through a lot lately. Thanks for updating, even if it was only the 'short' version.
You're in my thoughts. Hang in there.
*hugs*
Vik
Re:
Date: 2003-04-24 01:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-24 12:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-24 01:42 pm (UTC)That's a *lot*. [hugs several billion times]
Good luck, and try to hang in there. When all else fails, sleep makes everything go away. [nodnod]
no subject
Date: 2003-04-24 04:29 pm (UTC)