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oh but please, fool yourself again, girl
Jan. 15th, 2003 09:11 amwhat i was thinking last night:
raw feelings on a napkin
I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time. You say you're happy here because you're on your own, but still near your friends and family. And I don't see where I'm a requirement for any of that. And I'm NOT happy here. In fact, the only one that I thought was keeping me happy here can just as easily live his life without me. I don't want to end anything, I don't want to regret it all later, but I don't want to feel as if I'm only deluding myself. Without me you'd still have everything else that is important to you. You wouldn't have me, but you'd be able to put all that extra energy into the other importances in your life. I wouldn't take long to get over. But without you? At this exact time and place, I would be left with nothing. And I don't know how much longer I can stay with someone who doesn't realize this. If I'm going to have to rebuild my life, if I'm going to have to fill up the hole that will be left behind, I guess I'd rather know now. It's past too late. I already love you, but the pain would only grow when put off....
did I really mean all of that? any of it? how much? I'm so scared right now....I'd be so lost if I had to start over. Lost in every sense of the word (immediate conforts i.e. where would I live next year? could I afford it on my own? oh god, please don't make me move in with my parents again! As well as lost in every mental and emotional sense possible) But then at this point I'm confident that I COULD still leave. It'd temporarily break me and maybe I wouldn't get out of bed for like a week, but if I were forced to leave a few years down the road....? Might be too much to live with.
And yet...this IS the person I believe in my heart I want to spend the rest of my life with. Would I be making the biggest mistake of my life, simply as a preventitive measure? What do I do....?
eh....what the hell, make this public. I invite ALL to read about my fucked up life...
raw feelings on a napkin
I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time. You say you're happy here because you're on your own, but still near your friends and family. And I don't see where I'm a requirement for any of that. And I'm NOT happy here. In fact, the only one that I thought was keeping me happy here can just as easily live his life without me. I don't want to end anything, I don't want to regret it all later, but I don't want to feel as if I'm only deluding myself. Without me you'd still have everything else that is important to you. You wouldn't have me, but you'd be able to put all that extra energy into the other importances in your life. I wouldn't take long to get over. But without you? At this exact time and place, I would be left with nothing. And I don't know how much longer I can stay with someone who doesn't realize this. If I'm going to have to rebuild my life, if I'm going to have to fill up the hole that will be left behind, I guess I'd rather know now. It's past too late. I already love you, but the pain would only grow when put off....
did I really mean all of that? any of it? how much? I'm so scared right now....I'd be so lost if I had to start over. Lost in every sense of the word (immediate conforts i.e. where would I live next year? could I afford it on my own? oh god, please don't make me move in with my parents again! As well as lost in every mental and emotional sense possible) But then at this point I'm confident that I COULD still leave. It'd temporarily break me and maybe I wouldn't get out of bed for like a week, but if I were forced to leave a few years down the road....? Might be too much to live with.
And yet...this IS the person I believe in my heart I want to spend the rest of my life with. Would I be making the biggest mistake of my life, simply as a preventitive measure? What do I do....?
eh....what the hell, make this public. I invite ALL to read about my fucked up life...
