why am i here?

piss...so i'm at my mom's tonight, i didn't even want to be here. i don't know why i just REALLY REALLY didn't want to go, but she asked and shit so i felt bad just saying no and i'll tell my boyfriend tomorrow (yeah...um...that one guy who hasn't made contact with me since frickin' MONDAY, that one...) anyway, i'll tell him and he'll be like "well you if you didn't want to go you should have just not gone." and i'll tell him "it's not that easy!" and he won't get it or get why i'm upset about this (hell, *I* don't know why i'm upset about it, i just am) and then i'll have to be like "you complain that i never tell you what's bothering me, but then when i do you don't understand so why should i bother?" no, i won't say it like that, but damn it! sometimes i just want some sympathy. i mean i hate digging for it like that, i hate it when OTHER people do that so of course it's even worse when i catch that trait in myself. but i also purposely deny myself sympathy sometimes, make things sound less important to any casual observer to avoid even a chance of sympathy. so the one time i want it you'd think i could get some wouldn't you? but maybe people are used to not giving it to me whether they feel like they should or not because i simply don't want it (and i get pissed off when people give me sympathy most of the time) but i should stop bitching now since isn't that like counting your chickens before you make your morning omelette or something like that? :P and i'm not even sure why i'm feeling bad right now i just AM. so...yeah. shut up. quit talking. tomorrow i can go play final fantasy again so there!!!! :)