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why am i here?
piss...so i'm at my mom's tonight, i didn't even want to be here. i don't know why i just REALLY REALLY didn't want to go, but she asked and shit so i felt bad just saying no and i'll tell my boyfriend tomorrow (yeah...um...that one guy who hasn't made contact with me since frickin' MONDAY, that one...) anyway, i'll tell him and he'll be like "well you if you didn't want to go you should have just not gone." and i'll tell him "it's not that easy!" and he won't get it or get why i'm upset about this (hell, *I* don't know why i'm upset about it, i just am) and then i'll have to be like "you complain that i never tell you what's bothering me, but then when i do you don't understand so why should i bother?" no, i won't say it like that, but damn it! sometimes i just want some sympathy. i mean i hate digging for it like that, i hate it when OTHER people do that so of course it's even worse when i catch that trait in myself. but i also purposely deny myself sympathy sometimes, make things sound less important to any casual observer to avoid even a chance of sympathy. so the one time i want it you'd think i could get some wouldn't you? but maybe people are used to not giving it to me whether they feel like they should or not because i simply don't want it (and i get pissed off when people give me sympathy most of the time) but i should stop bitching now since isn't that like counting your chickens before you make your morning omelette or something like that? :P and i'm not even sure why i'm feeling bad right now i just AM. so...yeah. shut up. quit talking. tomorrow i can go play final fantasy again so there!!!! :)
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When does it pay off? should just not doing the things that we think are annoying when other people do them, and never wana catch ourself doing, be enough of a payment? cause it doesnt feel like it, especialy if noone really notices, hehe, and then you see people who do all that stuff, and like they get all these things and you're like heeyyyyy, you cant do that!!! cause its like hard to do all that stuff even though avoiding being disgusted with yourself is good motivation, its still hard lol, and its like they dont care and it doesnt even matter, lol, it sure doesnt make things any easier hehe
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i mean (i'm going to ATTEMPT to explain what i was thinking here...it's always harder to put it in typing) to a point i've noticed that you kind of emulate the people you hang around with (some more than others!) but if a person is a friend you have some amount of respect for them probably so there's probably some things about them that you want to incorporate into your own life. so if i'm doing something that i DON'T like to see in others than that's bad because it may only be encouraging those around me to act that way. so that has a negative effect. but NOT doing something doesn't have a positive effect. i mean i never say "hey my friend joe-bob over there is NOT doing this, and i think he's a cool and smart guy so i'm going to NOT do that too!" people don't think like that so they could end up taking part in those actions you look down on whether you yourself find yourself doing them or not.
it's not exactly a lose-lose situation...but it is kind of like a lose-neutral situation. but then again it's still too early for me to be positive...(especially when i got no sleep on my mom's too-short couch last night) give me a few hours and maybe i'll have a better view on all this. right now i'm weighing the odds: try to catch a little more sleep...or play final fantasy...? :)
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I guess in some ways you cant expect people to notice.. but it feels like you should be able to lol
I liked your view on it.. lol, it was sorta right along with mine.. but from a much more interesting perspective :)
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